About 3 Things I was Absolutely Positive…

1. Twilight the book was cheesy and predictable, but despite that, a decent read.
2. The book was intriguing enough to make me see the movie
3. Twilight, the film, is by far the worst movie I have EVER seen.

Twilight, a review:

(Warning, the length of this very long post is proportionate to the terribleness of this film.)
Wow, I'm hoping I can conjure words to express the sheer atrocity of this film. The acting was absolutely horrible, the direction made "Walker Texas Ranger" look Oscar-worthy, and the screen writing and pace was just laughable.

I would call myself a semi-fan of the book (after seeing the film, I don't know if I can continue to book 2, New Moon). It was a VERY easy read, corny, but the characters were interesting enough to keep me turning the pages. I figured it would be kind of cool to see these characters and events played out on film. I was wrong.

I'll be honest, I really wanted to enjoy the film. Was I slightly embarrassed purchasing a ticket and saying "Two for Twilight" out-loud? Yes, but I did it. Oh how I regret it. Kristen Stewart is my pick for worst actress of all time. From what I recall, she was brilliant as Jodi Foster's daughter in Panic Room, and so, I had decent expectations for her. I'm pretty sure she graduated from the Emma Watson University of Over Acting. Over-the-top panic breathing, so much lip chewing, and utterly unbelievable gasping and stuttering it was very hard to not burst out laughing. I was painfully aware that she was all too aware of herself.

Jessica and I were practically in tears of laughter when Bella (Stewart) first sees Edward (Robert Pattinson) in their lab class. I'm not kidding when I say "Walker Texas Ranger". The quick zoom-ins and painfully unrealistic, angst-y stares were so FUNNY. The entire movie was hilarious for all the wrong reasons. (Especially the awkwardly paced "let's climb/fly up a tree then jump to a shot of fog-filled room with a grand piano being played by the leading man.)

Robert Pattinson as Edward Cullen was also comic. Half the book is nothing but tireless gushing over the nearly unimaginable beauty of Edward and his vampire family and their other-timely mannerisms. Pattinson is, to me, slightly odd looking, I really wouldn't place him in the devastatingly handsome category (obviously, I'm wrong as there herds of rabid teenage girls ready to eat him up). I quite liked him as the beloved Hufflepuff hero, Cedric Diggory, in Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire. He is awful in Twilight. His american accent was his only tenable attribute. His tortured stares were honestly one of the funniest things I've seen in a long time. The heavily dramatic scenes (90% of the film) were overdone and awkward. Both he and Stewart were simply painfuly to watch. I much prefered his lighter scenes he is tolerable in them and nearly likeable. Let's not forget the choice to actually show his inhumanly fast movement. It was very poorly done and like most of the film, came off as comical, whereas the book suggested it to be impressive and fascinating.

The pace was probably the worst part of the film. As an avid Harry Potter fan, I'm all too used to an 800 page masterpiece being chopped up and compacted in to 2 hours of film. I say kudos to Rowling and her screen writers for superbly picking and choosing which snippets to include and which to cut and then carefully reconnectiong all the selected elements into a cohesive and seamless story. They always manage to please the die-hard fans as well as the clueless newcomers. Twilight's pace and consolidation was ridiculous. It seemed to me that the first half of the book was jammed into the first 5 minutes of film. Seemingly life-long friendships and bonds were forged inside of two lines. Nearly a dozen integral characters marched through in a graceless introduction parade that lasted about 2 minutes. Had I not read the book, I would have been really confused as to why Bella had trust or attachement to any of them. The plot jumped from each intrinsic plot point to the next with little to no transition between. Yet it managed to dwell for painfully long moments on unimportant, uncomfortable scenes between Bella and Edward.

If you're going to see Twilight, go in ready to laugh. I admit it, I should have known better than to pay to see that. My only hope is that someone brilliant lampoons the living daylights out of it. It is ready-made for mockery.

One good thing, it has a half-good soundtrack. Mutemath's song "Spotlight" is incredible, and Robert Pattinson' song is actually decent… go figure.

Here is what I found to be the worst acting in the enitre film Stewart at about 2min and 30sec in. (Spoiler alert, it's at the end of the film).